I have often felt accomplished by my sheer amount of will
power and diligence which allows me to accomplish so much in a seemingly
stressful time of life. I went through my first year as a college student
receiving good grades, and making deep friendship with other students and women
I look up to as mentors.
This year has been completely different. My first
semester as a sophomore provided more challenges than I anticipated.
I took my roommate to the hospital two weekends in a row, my position as a
Resident Adviser of students with disabilities distanced me from the other
students on campus, and I wasn't sure that I should stay at Bethany College of
Missions. It was an uncertain start to my sophomore year.
Jesus was with me the whole time. The Lord has always provided His comfort and peace when I need Him. It is because of all
those circumstances in my first semester back at college that I am where I am
now! Through my first semester, I also became good friends with the women I RA,
I went to my friend’s labor and witnessed my first birth, and now I am on the
path toward becoming a midwife to serve women around the world!
All these wonderful things have led to this semester
becoming even more chaoric than my last. I have been thrust head
first into fundraising for the two and a half years I will spend in the
Philippines, attending births (including the incredible birth of my nephew),
completing my Associates degree, and making preparations for moving to another
country.
I have been humbled over the past many weeks. I have come to
the end of myself, and I feel generally that I wish to be done. I want to be
done with college classes, done with fundraising, done with visa paperwork, and
done with being sick. The past year has been such a whirlwind and I find myself
utterly at the end of my strength, my persistence, my hard work. To make it
even more overwhelming, I received a phone call yesterday with news that my car’s
engine was blown and now find myself without transportation.
Yet, I have been
reminded by a dear mentor that it is when we come to the end of ourselves that we begin to see the Lord working. When we surrender, He will take control. I thought I had surrendered everything to the Lord, yet I realize I have still
been seeking to accomplish all of these things on my own power!
“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything
as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” (2 Corinthians 3:5)
I surrender. I cannot heal myself of being sick. I cannot
repair a damaged car engine. I cannot provide the finances for myself. I
cannot grant a visa for myself. I am unable to do anything within my own power.
I trust Jesus. I know that He is good,
and He provides abundantly more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine!
(Ephesians 3:20) As I reach the end of myself, I reach out to the Lord. He has
never left me, and I know that He never will. His will is perfect, and I have
trusted Him to guide me to this: I am able to trust Him to provide me with strength, diligence, and protection from the evil one! May we glorify His name
for all that He does in our lives that we do not deserve! He is good; His name
is worthy to be praised. I surrender all, Lord Jesus.
