Possible

"I could never do that." The phrase was almost muttered under her breath. It wasn't a comment that was new to me, but sometimes I had to wonder, "Can I do this?" Because whenever this was said, there seemed to be this expectation that in order to cross the ocean to be the hands and feet of Jesus required a very special kind of person. But I don't feel especially mighty, strong, or different from those who whisper, "I could never..."

I have spent the last month in the Philippines, and the significance of this does not go unnoticed. One month. Thirty one days. A year ago I would not have dreamed that I would be here. Six months ago I would have only hoped I would be here. Three months ago, I was believing that I would be here in faith, but not sure how it would happen. Yet, I am here and I have been here for an entire month. Part of it is surreal, like how could I possibly be here, privileged to be a part of such a beautiful ministry to women and their families? The other part of me just smiles, knowing of course Jesus would do this. The months of paperwork, phone calls, visa applications, and preparation were worth every amount of energy I spent. On the days when I had nothing left to give, Jesus continued to faithfully lead me towards this place. I am grateful, I am content, I am filled with joy. And I can't help but thinking, "You could do this." 

No matter where you go, or what you do, you can be His feet and His hands, and love with His heart. You don't have to live in fear of wondering if the Lord is going to provide for you, and you don't have to wonder if you are strong enough. He is strong, and that is enough. 

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I want to encourage you. If you are afraid, or discouraged, or feel that you simply lack faith, there are times when I feel that way too. You don't have to be good enough, or strong enough, or "Christian" enough. The Lord is seeking the willing, and He is eager to walk with you. So, trust Him. The best way to build up your faith is to use your faith. Even when you aren't sure that you can, practice trusting Him. And one day you'll look back and think, "I can do this." 

This Love

The feeling flows through my chest, and I don't know how to describe it. It is warm, and comforting. My heart beats slowly and the peace of knowing washes over me. This sweet knowledge that I am loved, I am adored, and I am His. There are these moments in my life when I feel completely overwhelmed by His love. I look upon Him and my heart is full: my King, my Savior, my beloved. Jesus. I am so undeserving. It is right for me to love Him, to adore Him, and to worship Him, but how could He love me? To be seen and to be known so completely causes me to want to shrink back. Yet He is so gentle. He has freed me from every chain of sin that bound me and I am no longer a slave. I am bound only by the intensity of His love for me. He gives His love freely; He went to the cross for my sin, my ugliness. He is here, loving me, filling me, restoring my soul every day. And all I can think is I love Him. O, I love Him. 

This is why I follow Him, out of this depth of desire and love for Him. This is how I want everyone to feel. I want everyone to know this love, and to be known so deeply by their Savior. Hearing about the love of God might be a common message, but it lacks so much meaning if you have never truly experienced the depth of this love He has for us. He goes so much farther than we would ever go, and the only response I have is to love Him back. He has paid the price for our mistakes; He doesn't hold them against us. He wants you. He wants every part of you. When you surrender to the depth of His love, you will find yourself thinking I love Him. O, I love Him. 

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..." (Song of Solomon 6:3)

I can't understand

This work of Grace

How a perfect God

Would come and take my place

The stars, they don't move you

The waves can't undo you

The mountains, in their splendor

They cannot steal your heart.

The God who is holy

Perfect in beauty

Awesome in glory

Is ravished by my heart

Though I am poor, you say I am lovely

Though I am dark, you say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed you

Somehow my weak love, it has stolen away your heart

Surrender

I have often felt accomplished by my sheer amount of will power and diligence which allows me to accomplish so much in a seemingly stressful time of life. I went through my first year as a college student receiving good grades, and making deep friendship with other students and women I look up to as mentors.

This year has been completely different. My first semester as a sophomore provided more challenges than I anticipated. I took my roommate to the hospital two weekends in a row, my position as a Resident Adviser of students with disabilities distanced me from the other students on campus, and I wasn't sure that I should stay at Bethany College of Missions. It was an uncertain start to my sophomore year. 

Jesus was with me the whole time. The Lord has always provided His comfort and peace when I need Him. It is because of all those circumstances in my first semester back at college that I am where I am now! Through my first semester, I also became good friends with the women I RA, I went to my friend’s labor and witnessed my first birth, and now I am on the path toward becoming a midwife to serve women around the world!

All these wonderful things have led to this semester becoming even more chaoric than my last. I have been thrust head first into fundraising for the two and a half years I will spend in the Philippines, attending births (including the incredible birth of my nephew), completing my Associates degree, and making preparations for moving to another country.

I have been humbled over the past many weeks. I have come to the end of myself, and I feel generally that I wish to be done. I want to be done with college classes, done with fundraising, done with visa paperwork, and done with being sick. The past year has been such a whirlwind and I find myself utterly at the end of my strength, my persistence, my hard work. To make it even more overwhelming, I received a phone call yesterday with news that my car’s engine was blown and now find myself without transportation.

Yet, I have been reminded by a dear mentor that it is when we come to the end of ourselves that we begin to see the Lord working. When we surrender, He will take control. I thought I had surrendered everything to the Lord, yet I realize I have still been seeking to accomplish all of these things on my own power!

“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” (2 Corinthians 3:5)

I surrender. I cannot heal myself of being sick. I cannot repair a damaged car engine. I cannot provide the finances for myself. I cannot grant a visa for myself. I am unable to do anything within my own power. I trust Jesus. I know that He is good, and He provides abundantly more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20) As I reach the end of myself, I reach out to the Lord. He has never left me, and I know that He never will. His will is perfect, and I have trusted Him to guide me to this: I am able to trust Him to provide me with strength, diligence, and protection from the evil one! May we glorify His name for all that He does in our lives that we do not deserve! He is good; His name is worthy to be praised. I surrender all, Lord Jesus.

Newlife//New Adventure

Hello, my dear sweet friends! Life has been very busy lately, and the Lord has been doing so many things in my heart that I am so eager to share with you! As you likely know, I have a heart for women’s ministry. My vision is to minister to women so that they might know the true value of who they are and how much Jesus loves them. Currently, I am able to do this as I mentor and assist the two young women with disabilities that I live with.

However, over the past few months, my interest in midwifery (assisting women in the process of childbirth) has grown. I have learned about midwifery through my sister and her interest in midwives. I wasn’t sure how this could work together with my heart for missions, and I wasn’t sure if this was something I could really do. I was interested in it, and enjoyed watching documentaries with my sister on it. I had put all thoughts of becoming a midwife someday on the back burner and never really mentioned it. Midwifery came back into my mind when I was spending time with my friends who live here in Minnesota, about twenty minutes away from my college campus. They were expecting a baby, and we watched a midwifery documentary. I told them how I thought maybe one day I could become a midwife.

Later that week, I was with a mentor of mine who I shared my thoughts with. When I told her about how much interest I had in midwifery, she shared with me about a program called Newlife International School of Midwifery. One of the staff members here at Bethany College of Missions has a daughter, named Jenny, who went through the program several years ago. I was able to hear all about the program from Jenny, and about how much she enjoyed it. The program mixes both missional and midwifery training for women to become missionary midwives, and it resides in Davao City in the Philippines. The clinic where midwives receive their training is also a Christian ministry for the impoverished Filipino women in the area.

The more I heard about the program, the more excited I became when I realized how I could mix these two things together. A couple weeks after hearing about Newlife and reading everything I could on their website, I returned to my friend’s house to share my updates. They invited me to attend the labor and birth of their baby, and I gratefully accepted. The next morning I received a text message inviting me to the birth because my friend was in labor! It was the first live birth I have been able to attend, and I am so thankful I was able to be there. They even asked me to cut the cord! As I watched the midwives do their job, I fell in love with midwifery. (And then I fell in love with their brand new baby boy!)

I have spent a lot of time in prayer and seeking the Lord about going in this direction. Over Thanksgiving break, I decided that I will be graduating from Bethany College of Missions in the spring with my Associates of Arts in Intercultural Ministry. This month I am applying to Newlife International School of Midwifery and hope to be moving to the Philippines next fall. I am so excited for the ways the Lord will use me in midwifery as a holistic ministry for women to seek health in every aspect of their lives. I believe this is a door which the Lord has opened before me and I am so eager to step through and see what else He has in store.

Over the next several months I will begin the process of fundraising about $30,000 which I will need for the two and a half year program. If you are interested in financially supporting this venture, please let me know. Also, I am selling t-shirts to aid in my fundraising efforts. If you would like one, they are $18 ($20 for vneck) and come in four different colors. Email me for more info! 

I want to say thank you so much for your support as I continue to follow the Lord in all the things He has laid before me. I want to love each woman the way He loves them. Please be praying for me as I pursue this program! Blessings on you as you spend time this Christmas season with family or friends!

Here are some fun videos about midwives:

The Value of a Missionary Midwife

A Day with a Midwife

A New Year [Update]

Sawatdee, Kha! 

A Bright New Year

It is crazy for me to reflect over the past year. So much has happened, and now I am a sophomore at BCOM! I have learned a lot in the past year, and it is hard for me to find the words to summarize it all in a few short sentences. I now understand so much more about sanctification and intimacy with Jesus. Jesus likes me, and He likes you. Yes, He loves us. He loves the world and came for us. But even more than that, He likes us. He knows us in our ugliness and sin. He knows us in our brokenness. He knows much more about us than any other person. He understands us and through it all, He likes us. He wants to be with us and desires time with us. He wants to be a part of every moment. I’ve learned that you definitely cannot put Jesus into some box.

Summertime

At the end of May, I had the chance to return to Kansas Bible Camp (KBC)as a group leader for the Leadership Training Camp. It was a great week, and I again felt surrounded by the body of Christ. KBC has a special place in my heart, and being able to return is such a joy. My heart is filled by the conversations I share with others there. I returned in June and July for three more weeks which I spent as a counselor, sharing the gospel and having conversations with the girls. I have had some very interesting conversations this summer, but one of the most encouraging ones was when one of the fifth grade girls asked me to pray with her so she would trust Jesus. I also loved having discussions with the high school girls about what the Lord has to say about a variety of subjects. I also spent time with my family which was really great; it was hard having to leave them all at the end of summer. On August 3^rd, with all of my things packed into my car, I begin the drive back to Minnesota. Then on the 5^th, my team left for Thailand.

Thailand

There is so much I could share about Thailand. I absolutely fell in love with the culture and people. Three days out of the trip, we went to an orphanage. I have never been someone who loves kids ministry, but I absolutely fell in love with those kids. We didn’t speak the same language, but we found that it didn’t matter. We communicated in any way we could: smiles, laughs, giggles, ‘sign language’, charades. We also worked with a ministry to give women and men opportunities to leave the bars (and a life of prostitution) by job training starting with making jewelry. I had an overwhelming peace when I was in Thailand and I came away from the trip absolutely wanting to be able to return next year for my 16 month internship.

Upcoming Adventures                 

A lot is happening in the next year and I am looking forward to all of it! First of all, an opportunity arose last spring to become an RA with a program for students with disabilities. I was accepted for the position this summer, and I am eagerly anticipating the arrival of the two young women who will be moving in very soon! This program is called Beyond Limits and gives these students the opportunity to develop skills to eventually become independent and live on their own. For me, this means I am living in an apartment with the other female RA (my good friend Kendyl), and we will soon be joined by the two women who will be living with us. All of our responsibilities as RA’s are designed to encourage equip them with the skills they need.

The other exciting part of this year, aside from my sophomore year of college, is that I will be spending the next year in preparation for my 16 month internship which will begin next fall. I deeply desire to go to Thailand. In order to go, I need to raise $30,000. I need to raise about a third of that in order to go, and the rest should be in monthly support. This is a daunting task, but the Lord is gracious and good, and I know I can trust Him. I have many people who have been supporting me, and I am eager to see where these next steps will lead!

Prayer

Please be praying for:

• The young women who are moving into my apartment, that their transition will be smooth.
• Grace as I step into a new position as an RA, and that the Lord would be leading me.
• Wisdom in pursuing internship and following Jesus.
• Financial blessing in the next year and that I would be able to raise all the funds needed to go.
• Peace throughout sophomore year even when my schedule gets very crazy.

Thank you so much for your support and prayers! I am so eager to see what the Lord has next. This summer has been such a joy, and I’m sure the next year will be even better.