Possible

"I could never do that." The phrase was almost muttered under her breath. It wasn't a comment that was new to me, but sometimes I had to wonder, "Can I do this?" Because whenever this was said, there seemed to be this expectation that in order to cross the ocean to be the hands and feet of Jesus required a very special kind of person. But I don't feel especially mighty, strong, or different from those who whisper, "I could never..."

I have spent the last month in the Philippines, and the significance of this does not go unnoticed. One month. Thirty one days. A year ago I would not have dreamed that I would be here. Six months ago I would have only hoped I would be here. Three months ago, I was believing that I would be here in faith, but not sure how it would happen. Yet, I am here and I have been here for an entire month. Part of it is surreal, like how could I possibly be here, privileged to be a part of such a beautiful ministry to women and their families? The other part of me just smiles, knowing of course Jesus would do this. The months of paperwork, phone calls, visa applications, and preparation were worth every amount of energy I spent. On the days when I had nothing left to give, Jesus continued to faithfully lead me towards this place. I am grateful, I am content, I am filled with joy. And I can't help but thinking, "You could do this." 

No matter where you go, or what you do, you can be His feet and His hands, and love with His heart. You don't have to live in fear of wondering if the Lord is going to provide for you, and you don't have to wonder if you are strong enough. He is strong, and that is enough. 

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I want to encourage you. If you are afraid, or discouraged, or feel that you simply lack faith, there are times when I feel that way too. You don't have to be good enough, or strong enough, or "Christian" enough. The Lord is seeking the willing, and He is eager to walk with you. So, trust Him. The best way to build up your faith is to use your faith. Even when you aren't sure that you can, practice trusting Him. And one day you'll look back and think, "I can do this." 

This Love

The feeling flows through my chest, and I don't know how to describe it. It is warm, and comforting. My heart beats slowly and the peace of knowing washes over me. This sweet knowledge that I am loved, I am adored, and I am His. There are these moments in my life when I feel completely overwhelmed by His love. I look upon Him and my heart is full: my King, my Savior, my beloved. Jesus. I am so undeserving. It is right for me to love Him, to adore Him, and to worship Him, but how could He love me? To be seen and to be known so completely causes me to want to shrink back. Yet He is so gentle. He has freed me from every chain of sin that bound me and I am no longer a slave. I am bound only by the intensity of His love for me. He gives His love freely; He went to the cross for my sin, my ugliness. He is here, loving me, filling me, restoring my soul every day. And all I can think is I love Him. O, I love Him. 

This is why I follow Him, out of this depth of desire and love for Him. This is how I want everyone to feel. I want everyone to know this love, and to be known so deeply by their Savior. Hearing about the love of God might be a common message, but it lacks so much meaning if you have never truly experienced the depth of this love He has for us. He goes so much farther than we would ever go, and the only response I have is to love Him back. He has paid the price for our mistakes; He doesn't hold them against us. He wants you. He wants every part of you. When you surrender to the depth of His love, you will find yourself thinking I love Him. O, I love Him. 

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..." (Song of Solomon 6:3)

I can't understand

This work of Grace

How a perfect God

Would come and take my place

The stars, they don't move you

The waves can't undo you

The mountains, in their splendor

They cannot steal your heart.

The God who is holy

Perfect in beauty

Awesome in glory

Is ravished by my heart

Though I am poor, you say I am lovely

Though I am dark, you say I am beautiful

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed you

Somehow my weak love, it has stolen away your heart

Surrender

I have often felt accomplished by my sheer amount of will power and diligence which allows me to accomplish so much in a seemingly stressful time of life. I went through my first year as a college student receiving good grades, and making deep friendship with other students and women I look up to as mentors.

This year has been completely different. My first semester as a sophomore provided more challenges than I anticipated. I took my roommate to the hospital two weekends in a row, my position as a Resident Adviser of students with disabilities distanced me from the other students on campus, and I wasn't sure that I should stay at Bethany College of Missions. It was an uncertain start to my sophomore year. 

Jesus was with me the whole time. The Lord has always provided His comfort and peace when I need Him. It is because of all those circumstances in my first semester back at college that I am where I am now! Through my first semester, I also became good friends with the women I RA, I went to my friend’s labor and witnessed my first birth, and now I am on the path toward becoming a midwife to serve women around the world!

All these wonderful things have led to this semester becoming even more chaoric than my last. I have been thrust head first into fundraising for the two and a half years I will spend in the Philippines, attending births (including the incredible birth of my nephew), completing my Associates degree, and making preparations for moving to another country.

I have been humbled over the past many weeks. I have come to the end of myself, and I feel generally that I wish to be done. I want to be done with college classes, done with fundraising, done with visa paperwork, and done with being sick. The past year has been such a whirlwind and I find myself utterly at the end of my strength, my persistence, my hard work. To make it even more overwhelming, I received a phone call yesterday with news that my car’s engine was blown and now find myself without transportation.

Yet, I have been reminded by a dear mentor that it is when we come to the end of ourselves that we begin to see the Lord working. When we surrender, He will take control. I thought I had surrendered everything to the Lord, yet I realize I have still been seeking to accomplish all of these things on my own power!

“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” (2 Corinthians 3:5)

I surrender. I cannot heal myself of being sick. I cannot repair a damaged car engine. I cannot provide the finances for myself. I cannot grant a visa for myself. I am unable to do anything within my own power. I trust Jesus. I know that He is good, and He provides abundantly more than I could ever ask, think, or imagine! (Ephesians 3:20) As I reach the end of myself, I reach out to the Lord. He has never left me, and I know that He never will. His will is perfect, and I have trusted Him to guide me to this: I am able to trust Him to provide me with strength, diligence, and protection from the evil one! May we glorify His name for all that He does in our lives that we do not deserve! He is good; His name is worthy to be praised. I surrender all, Lord Jesus.